Now Playing: Drive Angry

In this film, Ridiculous Cage plays a man who will take any role offered to him breaks out of Hell to save his houses granddaughter from the IRS cult who murdered his daughter. Wow.

It's honestly hard to tell at this point if Cage has become self-aware or if the man really will just take any movie pitched to him.

Don't get me wrong, I kind of want to see this movie (and not just for Amber Heard). The trailers give the impression of that intentionally ridiculous action flick along the lines of Crank. But for that feel to work, Nic Cage has to be knowingly along for the ride. And I think he is. Not just for this movie, though not for all of his movies, but I just can't believe that these scenes show a man legitimately trying to give a good performance (good in academy terms, not hilarity).





Whatever Cage is trying to accomplish in his films, you have to at least give him credit for the effort. Not his acting effort but the sheer volume. I really can't fathom how he has time to be in all of these movies; it seems as if he's in a new release every other week. Not everyone is willing to bust their ass like that to pay back millions in unpaid taxes.


I realize I haven't said much about the movie itself, but I haven't seen it yet. Even if I had, there's probably not much to say about it; Nic Cage, vengeance, fast cars that don't look like a cereal prize, Amber Heard, and a title with as much effort as Snakes on a Plane. Did I mention Amber Heard?

How To Not Be A Shitty Coworker

It's inevitable. At one point or another, people will be annoyed with/by you. This is especially true for people you have to see everyday, and in the case of coworkers, not people you would chose to see everyday if given the option. So here's my recommendation to not make your coworkers want to bash you in the face with a keyboard or "accidentally" run you over in the parking lot at the end of the day:

Be. Self. Conscious.

That's it. And I don't mean that you should be constantly concerned that you looked fat. I mean you should think about what the fuck you are doing and how that affects others in your office. Some examples (that I'm totally just making up off the top of my head, not ones I've been stewing on for the past few months...)

Don't tap your feet or drum on your desk. Holy fucking shit. I can't believe I actually have to say this one. This is so goddamn annoying to other people, especially if your doing it constantly. If you work in a cubicle, there's probably someone less than two feet away from you. Fucking. Stop.

Don't talk to yourself. Yes, I'm sure we all do it from time to time (I often do it to say "Are you fucking kidding me?!" when someone starts stomping their goddamn feet after stopping for a mere 5 seconds of blissful silence), but at a certain point it's too much. I don't need to hear your surprise every fucking time you sneeze. How are you even surprised that you sneezed? You didn't feel that shit coming?

If you bring something for lunch that takes 5 or more minutes in the microwave, don't put it in the microwave right at 12:00. This is especially true if you're taking a 45 minute or hour lunch when you know your coworkers only take half an hour. Seriously, don't be that dick. Plus, your food smells like cum*.


So that's it. Just remember that there are other people in your office, and they probably already hate you.


*May not be applicable in all situations.

Ode to Moisture Points

This ones for you.